Navigating Difficult Conversations During the Holidays

By now, it is a bit of a cliché that the bringing together of loved ones may also bring difficult conversations. That has been especially true for the past couple years, as political divides grow more vast. I wanted to provide some tips for navigating difficult conversations, should they arise. This could be politics, biases, diet culture, family patterns, etc.

• Come Prepared

  • This is not to say that you need to come to your holiday gatherings with data and ready to fight. Rather, it means thinking through what you might anticipate.

  • Some questions to ask yourself: Are there certain people that you know you have have disagreements with? What are you willing to discuss? What are you not willing to discuss? What are you willing to interrupt? If someone says something you deeply disagree with, would you feel better with yourself if you ignored it or if you said something? What is your limit? Who can you turn to for support, if challenging situations arise?

  • Talk with the people in attendance ahead of time to discuss boundaries/expectations (some examples below)

    • “I don’t feel comfortable discussing (x topic) during the holidays”

    • “If conversations begin to escalate, can we take a break?" “How can we all feel supported if difficult conversations arise?” “If challenging conversations arise, can we agree to listen to each other/not call each other names/not yell?”

• Listen to Others

  • Try to hear where the other person is coming from. Maybe you don’t agree with their stance, but you may realize they are coming from a place of fear or concern for your/their safety.

  • Ask questions to assess their willingness to have a conversation vs argument, ie “Would you be willing to talk about that more?” “Would you be willing to hear my point of view on the subject (without interrupting)?”

• Observe

  • Notice your internal cues.

    • What thoughts/feelings let you know that you’re not able to have a productive conversation?

      • Are you too angry/hurt to engage further? Are you raising your voice? Are you shaking, crying, or experiencing panic? Do you feel safe? Are you name-calling? Do you still feel in control of your behavior? Are you intoxicated?

  • Notice the other person (people).

    • Are they talking with you calmly? Do you feel like they’re listening to what you have to say or just arguing? Are they yelling, name-calling, posturing? Are they repeating themselves? Are they making sense? Are they intoxicated?

  • Notice what cues (in yourself or others) tell you the conversation is no longer productive

• Tips for Ending the Conversation

  • Setting boundaries

    • “I’m not comfortable talking about that with you right now,” “It seems like we’re both feeling strongly about this, can we come back to this after we’ve both had some time to calm down?,” “I don’t think this conversation feels helpful for either of us right now, so I’m going to take a step away,” “I am not willing to talk with you about this and I appreciate your respect of my limits”

  • Removing Yourself

    • If you don’t feel able to end the conversation politely (either due to your state or theirs), leave. Whether this is going to the bathroom for a few breaths to calm down, going on a walk, or leaving the event early, you need to do what’s best for yourself.

    • If you’re not able to leave, see if there are ways you can end things early or take a break.

• Seek support

  • Seek support in preparing for the holidays whether it is with a trusted support person or a professional. Holidays can be really hard and it’s ok to seek help from others for support in navigating these challenging situations.

As always, take what is helpful and leave the rest. I hope you have the week you need.