Making and Keeping Friends
Earlier today, I came across this article on CNN, “How to make – and keep – friends as a grownup, according to science” by Meg Tirrell. It is a quick read and a solid primer for understanding how vital our connections with others are for our health. This article also underscores how much people are struggling lately with making and keeping friends. If you’re reading this and you resonate with the struggle to make and keep friends, I want you to know that it’s not just you, it is a public health issue.
With the demands of our lives, our increased focus on screens, the loss of third spaces/places, and the sharp divisions within our society, many of us have been find ourselves disconnected. Additionally, as adults, we already struggle with connection without the structure of school, where we regularly meet with peers, and now, as many of us work from home, we have an additional loss of places to connect with others regularly (which is not to say there are not very real benefits to working from home). The more isolated we are, the harder it becomes to put ourselves out there.
Tirrell’s article highlights two of the key factors for forming relationships - “frequent interaction and mutual attraction.” This means, finding a place that you regularly interact with others and finding people that share your interests (a friend-shaped person, if you will). If you have ever played The Sims, you may recognize this formula, the more your sim interacts with other sims, their relationship points increase. Of course, we don’t have the benefit of knowing our exact level of friendship points, but we do know that the more positive interactions you have with others, the more likely we are to build a lasting friendship.
Some ideas for places to try to meet new people and see them regularly, include: taking classes for adults (movement classes, learning a new skill, etc), volunteering, frequenting the same coffee shop/restaurant/bar, joining a club, and so much more. The most important thing though is to put yourself out there.
Which is way easier for me to say than for you to actually do, especially if connecting with others has become a whole lot more intimidating. If it feels too intimidating, therapy can be a great way to help you practice your social skills, identify places where you would enjoy going that increase your likelihood of connecting with others, navigate challenging social interactions, and help with other social challenges. If you’re interested working with me to help you build your community, schedule a consultation here.
If you’re interested in reading more about friendship, I recommend checking out these books:
Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults by Caroline Maguire
Platonic by Marisa G. Franco, PhD
Modern Friendships by Anna Goldfarb
You Will Find Your People by Lane Moore
Here to Make Friends by Hope Kelaher, LCSW
As always, take what is helpful and leave the rest. I hope you have the week you need.
