Boundaries Series: Part 1
Everyone talks about boundaries these days, but what actually are they? Boundaries are the the capacity we reach within our relationships with self and others. When we “set boundaries” we are letting others know what we will or will not allow in our relationships. Boundaries are our own, though. It has been a game changer for me to conceptualize boundaries in this way. If we take ownership of our boundaries, then nobody actually “crosses” our boundaries. People interact with us and we choose to enforce our boundaries or not. Of course, there are many ways in which it may not be the best decision for you to enforce your boundaries, like when your safety (emotional, physical, etc) would be compromised by boundary-setting.
Boundaries within relationships are a negotiation. Sometimes this is explicit, sometimes it’s implicit. There may be times where you feel totally able to talk with your friend on the phone for 2 hours when they’re upset and times where you’re not able to. These are flexible boundaries and may require some conversation to allow others to know what they can expect from you. In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab discusses types of boundary issues - rigid and porous. When we have rigid boundaries, our boundaries interfere with relationships because there are no exceptions. When we have porous boundaries, we allow too many exceptions, leading us to feel exhausted and resentful.
Now, you might be thinking - Ok, this is great, but how do I even know what my boundaries are? Well, it takes practice. A lot of it is checking in with yourself. Do I feel obligated to see this friend even though I’m tired because they’ll get mad at me? Does this friend only talk about themselves and ignore my problems? Do I need to talk on the phone with my mom multiple times a day even though I’m too busy? Do I keep staying late at work without pay because my work expectations are too high? These all might be examples of your boundaries. Noticing when you feel resentful and obligated. There may be times where we need to show up for the people in our lives or our responsibilities, even when we don’t want to, but the difference is noticing if there are common themes in the relationships or just a once in awhile occurrence.
When you start setting boundaries in your relationships (explicitly or implicitly), people will react. They may say you’ve changed or you’re being selfish. This is because you’ve changed the rules in the relationship. You are no longer willing to sacrifice yourself for others wants. When you remain consistent in your boundaries, people will begin to adjust to your boundaries and engage with your accordingly. And if they are unwilling to change their behavior to respect your boundaries, or if you are unwilling to engage with someone in a way that respects their boundaries, it may be time to evaluate the goodness of fit in the relationship. Before getting to that point, it is definitely worth discussing boundaries and boundary-setting with a trained professional!
To learn more about boundaries, I recommend checking out Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
As always, take what is helpful and leave the rest. I hope you have the week you need.
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.
